Why Your Team Sucks 2. Dallas Cowboys. Some people are fans of the Dallas Cowboys. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Dallas Cowboys. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY.

• With that, I published a story headlined, “Stick Google Plus Buttons On Your Pages, Or Your Search Traffic Suffers,” that included bits of conversation from the.
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• Your team: fuck jerry fuck jerry fuck jerry fuck jerry fuck jerry fuck jerry fuck jerry fuck jerry fuck jerry fuck jerry fuck jerry fuck jerry fuck jerry fuck jerry.

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Call the dealership and give them your VIN number and they should be able to give you the radio c.

Fuck Jerry. And triple mega- fuck Chris Christie with a nacho cheese firehose. Your 2. 01. 6 record: LOL who gives a shit let’s just skip to the ending: Let’s see that again. And again. And again. Fuck it, one more angle. Perfect. Jared caught the ball. No matter how rich and powerful Jerry Jones gets, I can always count on his team—America’s Moral Sewer—to turn into a clown show anytime they sniff the postseason.

And I can always count on their fans to be absolute scum who are always begging to be humiliated. They lie in wait until the team is good again and take the opportunity to maximize ALL of their insufferability, to remind you just why you despised the Cowboys to begin with. Then, like clockwork, comes the comeuppance, which they’re too stupid to ever see coming. Lose forever. Your coach: WHY’D YOU SPIKE THE BALL YOU STUPID PRINCETON FUCK? Never forget that the Jared Cook catch never could have happened without Jason Garrett ordering his QB to stop the clock on the previous drive. He’ll never learn proper game management, and for that I’m grateful. He’s the best sleeper agent a Dallas hater could ever ask for.

Your quarterback: Dak Prescott. Let me tell you what’s gonna happen to Dak Prescott this season, now that he’s the unquestioned starter and the Cowboys let Tony Romo dangle for three months before he finally decided to screw off and retire to the booth. Any time Dak struggles—and he will—Dallas fans will IMMEDIATELY beg for Romo to come back. It’s a lock. These front- running dye jobs are never, ever happy with the QB they have. So if they see ANY trace of slippage from Dak, they will burp and fart and talk about DCs getting tape on him and how he was just a flash- in- the- pan fourth rounder.

It’s coming. They shat all over Romo, and now they’re gonna shit on YOU, Dak. The first three Dallas games are in primetime (by league rules, they must play in primetime 7.

If he falters in any of them, Skippy Bayless is gonna run around naked with CAN DAK REALLY CARRY THIS TEAM ON HIS SHOULDERS? What’s new that sucks: LOL your running back got suspended. I’m gonna put all the arguments aside for and against Zeke Elliott getting a stern dose of the Ginger Hammer justice.

That whole case is a goddamn mess and the NFL has already royally fucked it up, especially now that we know they ignored the recommendation of their own investigator in the case to NOT suspend Zeke. Jerry was a bullying shitbag through the whole ordeal.

Cowboys fans online have gone full Pepe on Zeke’s accuser. And outside of the case, Zeke just so happened to get himself in the middle of a bar fight and also pulled down a woman’s shirt and exposed her breast at a public parade.

Not a lot of men to root for here. The NFLPA has already filed a restraining order on Zeke’s behalf (kinda ironic), Zeke is suing, and this whole thing only promises to get uglier and uglier, with the truth of the original incidents becoming less and less relevant. So what’s important to remember is that something bad happened with the Dallas Cowboys, and it will cast a pall over their entire season, and Jerry is apparently very upset about it, and that’s great. I wish Jerry was always as unhappy as he was the moment he got the news. I hope Christie accidentally falls on him in the luxury box and suffocates him to death with hot dog farts.

Elsewhere, one of the team’s wideouts had his dog kidnapped, and then was arrested for shoplifting in a breathtaking case of mistaken identity. Before his name was cleared, Dallas cut him, because they like to pretend to give a shit about character when it comes to fringe players. Jason Garrett was steamed his 1. After Lucky Whitehead was cleared, they used access merchants and anal lampreys like Albert Breer to smear his name and help cover for their titanic mistake. I hope Whitehead sues them for eleventy billion dollars.

In other news, it’s a given that any Dallas edge rusher will find a way to get himself suspended, so say goodbye to David Irving for the first month of the season. This defense is worthless without him. Half the secondary left. Their two best linebackers have one working ACL between them. So much potential regression. You could hold a diving meet off my erection right now.

BOINGGGGGGGGGG! What has always sucked: I was watching a preseason game and Al Michaels described Jason Witten as “Canton- bound” and you know what? No. Fuck that. Fuck Jason Witten.

You don’t get to go to the Hall of Fame by being the world’s longest- lasting, boringest safety outlet. He’s never caught more than 1. TDs in a season. He’s gone over 1,0.

Jason Witten blows. They should have replaced him years ago. But they’ll still let him into the Hall of Fame because Jerry bought his way in and will probably buy Witten’s way in, too. That’s how the NFL works now. Regardless of his tiff with Goodell, Jerry is still the shadow commissioner of this league, and he has remade the whole venture in his image.

He engineered the existence of two shitty teams in LA. He runs stadium ops for teams that are not his own. And he has already pioneered new ways to drain local coffers by opening luxury practice facilities. This is a greedy, tacky, corrupt league with no soul at its core.

It doesn’t really matter if the Cowboys regress this season—and again, they will. Jerry will still be the kingfish, raking in his money and spending it with all the sensitivity of Marie Antoinette: This is the America you live in now. Not only do the bad guys win, they don’t even have to sneak around to do it. Everyone knows Jerry has a fixer (hmmm).

Everyone knows Jerry is horny at all hours. Everyone knows the NFL has a fucked- up relationship will local prosecutors in case players—or the league itself—get in a jam. It doesn’t matter.

You live in an age of naked, unapologetic corruption. No organization is a more fitting exemplar of this than the Dallas Cowboys and their tiresome, Real Housewives casting reject fans. Watch Take Shelter Online Hitfix. After all, it’s not just Dallas players that are out here assaulting women.

They don’t deserve success. They don’t deserve happiness. They deserve to have a horse stomp on their throat. Terrance Williams still has no clue when to go out of bounds. Did you know? The biggest rapper the Dallas area has ever produced is Vanilla Ice.

Also, as my colleague Dan Mc. Quade once noted, the Dallas Cowboys exist because founder Clint Murchison—who made his money by inheriting it from his old man, who made HIS money skirting oil regulations—bought the rights to “Hail To The Redskins” and then sold them back to Skins owner and avowed racist George Preston Marshall in a ransom exchange for his expansion vote. This team was born out of shady dealings and will forever wallow in them. What might not suck: Yes yes yes the line is very good go fuck yourselves. HEAR IT FROM COWBOYS FANS! Tucker: Jesus Tapdancing Christ. Taylor: I’m a Cowboys fan that doesn’t live in Dallas.

I would rather tell my coworkers what kind of porn I watch than reveal that I am a Dallas Cowboys fan. Mattie: I suffer from an auto- immune disorder that manifests itself as intermittent chest and stomach pain. It kinda feels like when you really need to burp and your esophagus burns, only always and forever. When the pain gets really bad it can even cause a physical reaction where my airways swell up and I need to take a Xanax just be able to breathe.

The two things that make the pain much worse are eating the wrong food and intense stress.